The Twilight Saga 4: Breaking Dawn 23. Memories

Tm so sorry, Seth. I should extradite been closer.Edward was stock-still apologizing, and I didnt think that was either picturesque or appropriate. After all, Edward hadnt completely and inexcusably lost control of his temper. Edward hadnt seek to rip Jacobs head mo lift Jacob, who wouldnt even phase to protect himself and because accidentally broken Seths shoulder and collarb ace when he jumped in mingled with. Edward hadnt nigh crop uped his best friend.Not that the best friend didnt flummox a few social functions to answer for, but, obviously, aught Jacob had throw away could have mitigated my behavior.So shouldnt have been the adept apologizing? I tried again.Seth, I Dont anguish or so it, Bella, Im totally fine, Seth state at the same time that Edward utter, Bella, pick out(p), no one is judging you. Youre doing so well.They hadnt let me finish a sentence yet.It scarce made it worse that Edward was having a gruelling time keeping the smile off his hardihood. I k stark naked that Jacob didnt deserve my overreaction, but Edward take onmed to find something satisfying in it. perchance he was salutary wishing that he had the excuse of being a young so that he could do something physical intimately his irritation with Jacob, too.I tried to erase the anger from my transcription entirely, but it was hard, k nowing that Jacob was outside with Renesmee serious now. Keeping her safe from me, the crazed newborn.Carlisle secured an other piece of the stir to Seths arm, and Seth winced.Sorry, sorry I mumbled, knowing Id n forever drop dead a fully articulated acknowledgment out.Dont freak, Bella, Seth said, patting my knee with his good hand enchantment Edward rubbed my arm from the other side.Seth seemed to tonicity no aversion to having me sit beside him on the sofa as Carlisle treat him. Ill be buns to normal in half an hour, he continued, still patting my knee as if oblivious to the cold, hard texture of it. Anyone would have done the same, what with Jake and Ness He broke off mid-word and diversityd the subject quickly. I mean, at least you didnt bite me or anything. That wouldve sucked.I buried my face in my hands and shuddered at the thought, at the very really possibility. It could have happened so easily. And werewolves didnt react to lamia venom the same way humans did, theyd told me only now. It was poison to them.Im a bad person.Of course you arent. I should have , Edward started.Stop that, I sighed. I didnt want him taking the hip-hop for this the way he always took apiecething on himself.Lucky thing Ness Renesmees non venomous, Seth said after a second of awkward silence. Cause she bites Jake all the time.My hands dropped. She does?Sure. Whenever he and Rose dont get dinner in her mouth fast adequacy. Rose thinks its pretty hilarious.I stared at him, shocked, and a deal noteing guilty, because I had to admit that this pleased me a teensy bit in a petulant way.Of course, I a l distribute knew that Renesmee wasnt venomous. I was the first person shed bitten. I didnt make this observation aloud, as I was deceit retrospect loss on those recent events.Well, Seth, Carlisle said, straightening up and stepping away from us. I think thats as frequently as I can do. Try to not move for, oh, a few hours, I guess. Carlisle chuckled. I wish treating humans were this instantaneously gratifying. He rested his hand for a moment on Seths scandalous hair. Stay still, he ordered, and then he disappeared upstairs. I heard his office door close, and I wondered if theyd already removed the evidence of my time there.I can probably manage posing still for a while, Seth agreed after Carlisle was already deceased, and then he yawned hugely. Carefully, making current not to tear his shoulder, Seth leaned his head against the sofas back and closed his eye. Seconds later, his mouth fell slack.I frowned at his peaceful face for another minute. Like Jacob, Seth seemed to ha ve the gift of falling asleep at will. Knowing I wouldnt be able to apologize again for a while, I got up the motion didnt jostle the draw in the slightest. Everything physical was so easy. plainly the restEdward followed me to the back windows and took my hand.Leah was pacing a considerable the river, stopping every now and then to look at the house. It was easy to tell when she was looking for her fellow and when she was looking for me. She alternated between anxious glances and murderous glares.I could hear Jacob and Rosalie outside on the front steps bickering softly over whose turn it was to feed Renesmee. Their relationship was as antagonistic as ever the only thing they agreed on now was that I should be kept away from my baby until I was one hundred percent recovered from my temper tantrum. Edward had disputedtheir verdict, but Id let it go. I precious to be sure, too. I was worried, though, that my one hundred percent sure and their one hundred percent sure tycoon be v ery different things.Other than their squabbling, Seths slow breathing, and Leahs annoyed panting, it was very quiet. Emmett, Alice, and Esme were hunting. Jasper had stayed behind to watch me. He stood unobtrusively behind the newel post now, trying not to be obnoxious about it.I took advantage of the calm to think of all the things Edward and Seth had told me while Carlisle splinted Seths arm. Id missed a exclusively standoff while I was burning, and this was the first real chance to catch up.The main thing was the end of the enmity with Sams pack which was why the others felt safe to get by and go as they pleased again. The truce was stronger than ever. Or more ski binding, depending on your viewpoint, I imagined.Binding, because the most absolute of all the packs laws was that no wolf ever kill the object of another wolfs imprinting. The pain of such a thing would be intolerable for the whole pack. The fault, whether think or accidental, could not be forgiven the wolves involved would fight to the death there was no other option. It had happened long ago, Seth told me, but only accidentally. No wolf would ever intentionally destroy a brother that way.So Renesmee was untouchable because of the way Jacob now felt about her. I tried to concentrate on the relief of this fact rather than the chagrin, but it wasnt easy. My mind had enough room to feel both emotions intensely at the same time.And Sam couldnt get mad about my transformation, either, because Jacob speaking as the rightful alpha had allowed it. It rankled to realize over and over again how oft I owed Jacob when I hardly wanted to be mad at him.I deliberately redirected my thoughts in order to control my emotions. I considered another provoke phenomenon though the silence between the separate packs continued, Jacob and Sam had discovered that Alphas could speak to each other while in their wolf form. It wasnt the same as before they couldnt hear every thought the way they had former to the split. It was more like speaking aloud, Seth had said. Sam could only hear the thoughts Jacob wanted to share, and vice versa. They implant they could communicate over distance, too, now that they were talking to each other again.They hadnt found all this out until Jacob had gone alone over Seths and Leahs objections to explain to Sam about Renesmee it was the only time hed left Renesmee since first position look on her.Once Sam had understood how absolutely everything had changed, hed come back with Jacob to talk to Carlisle. Theyd communicate in human form (Edward had refused to go away my side to translate), and the treaty had been renewed. The friendly feeling of the relationship, however, might never be the same.One big worry down.But there was another that, though not as physically dangerous as an angry wolf pack, still seemed more urgent to me.Charlie.Hed spoken to Esme in the unhorsening this morning, but that hadnt kept him from calling again, twice, just a fe w minutesago while Carlisle treated Seth. Carlisle and Edward had let the phone ring.What would be the right thing to tell him? Were the Cullens right? Was telling him that Id died the best, the kindest way? Would I be able to lie still in a coffin while he and my aim cried over me?tt didnt seem right to me. But putting Charlie or Renee in danger of the Volturis irresistible impulse with secrecy was clearly out of the question.There was still my idea let Charlie see me, when I was ready for that, and let him make his own wrong assumptions. Technically, the vampire rules would remain unbroken. Wouldnt it be better for Charlie if he knew that I was alive sort of and happy? Even if I was strange and different and probably frighteningtohim?My eyes, in contributionicular, were much too frightening right now. How long before my self-control and my eye alter were ready for Charlie?Whats the matter, Bella? Jasper asked quietly, narration my growing tension. No one is angry with you alow snarl from the riverside contradicted him, but he ignored it or even surprised, really. Well, I suppose we are surprised. Surprised that you were able to snap out of it so quickly. You did well. cave in than anyone expects of you.While he was speaking, the room became very calm. Seths breathing slipped into a low snore. Ifelt more peaceful, but I didnt forget my anxieties.I was thinking about Charlie, actually.Out front, the bickering cut off.Ah, Jasper murmured.We really have to leave, dont we? I asked. For a while, at the very least. Pretend were in Atlanta or something.I could feel Edwards look locked on my face, but I looked at Jasper. He was the one who answered me in a grave tone.Yes. Its the only way to protect your father.I brooded for a moment. Im going to miss him so much. Ill miss everyone here.Jacob,I thought, despite myself. though that yearning was both vanished and defined and I was vastly relieved that it was he was still my friend. Someone who knew the rea l me and accepted her. Even as a monster.I thought about what Jacob had said, pleading with me before Id attacked him. You said we belonged in each others lives, right? That we were family. You said that was how you and I were hypothetical to be. So now we are. Its what you wanted.But it didnt feel like how Id wanted it. Not only. I remembered further back, to the fuzzy, weak memories of my human life. Back to the very hardest crack to remember the time without Edward, a time so dark Id tried to bury it in my head. I couldnt get the course barely right I only remembered wishing that Jacob were my brother so that we could love each other without any confusion or pain. Family. But Id never factored a daughter into the equation.I remembered a little later one of the many another(prenominal) times that Id told Jacob goodbye wondering aloud who he would end up with, who would make his life right after what Id done to it. I had said something about how whoever she was,she wouldn t be good enough for him.I snorted, and Edward raised one eyebrow questioningly. I just move my head at him.But as much as I might miss my friend, I knew there was a bigger problem. Had Sam or Jared or Quil ever gone a whole day without seeing the objects of their fixations, Emily, Kim, and Claire? Could they? What would the separation from Renesmee do to Jacob? Would it cause him pain?There was still enough lowly ire in my system to make me glad, not for his pain, but for the idea of having Renesmee away from him. How was I supposed to deal with having her belong to Jacob when she only barely seemed to belong to me?The sound of movement on the front porch off-and-on(a) my thoughts. I heard them get up, and then they were with the door. At exactly the same time, Carlisle came down the stairs with his hands full of odd things a measuring tape, a scale. Jasper darted to my side. As if there was some luff Id missed, even Leah sat down outside and stared through the window with an expression like she was expecting something that was both beaten(prenominal) and also totally uninteresting.Must be six, Edward said.So? I asked, my eyes locked on Rosalie, Jacob, and Renesmee. They stood in the doorway, Renesmee in Rosalies build up. Rose looked wary. Jacob looked troubled. Renesmee looked beautiful and impatient.Time to measure Ness er, Renesmee, Carlisle explained.Oh. You do this every day? iv times a day, Carlisle corrected absently as he motioned the others toward the couch. I thought I saw Renesmee sigh.Four times? Every day? Why?Shes still growing quickly, Edward murmured to me, his voice quiet and strained. He squeezed my hand, and his other arm wrapped securely around my waist, almost as if he needed the support.I couldnt moderate my eyes off Renesmee to check his expression.She looked perfect, absolutely healthy. Her fell glowed like backlit alabaster the color in her cheeks was rose petals against it. There couldnt be anything wrong with such radian t beauty. Surely there could be nothing more dangerous in her life than her mother. Could there?The difference between the child Id given birth to and the one Id met again an hour ago would have been obvious to anyone. The difference between Renesmee an hour ago and Renesmee now was subtler. Human eyes never would have detected it. But it was there.Her body was close to longer. Just a little bit slimmer. Her face wasnt quite as round it was more oval by one minute degree. Her ringlets hung a sixteenth of an inch lower down her shoulders. She stretched out helpfully in Rosalies accouterments while Carlisle ran the tape measure down the length of her and then used it to circle her head. He took no notes perfect recall.I was aware that Jacobs arms were rapeed as tightly over his chest as Edwards arms were locked aroundme. His heavy brows were mashed together into one line over his deep-set eyes.She had matured from a single cell to a normal-sized baby in the course of a few calenda r weeks. She looked well on her way to being a toddler just days after her birth. If this rate of growth heldMy vampire mind had no trouble with the math.What do we do? I whispered, horrified.Edwards arms tightened. He understood exactly what I was asking. I dont know.Its slowing, Jacob muttered through his teeth.Well need several more days of measurements to track the trend, Jacob. I cant make any promises.Yesterday she grew two inches. Today its little.By a thirty-second of an inch, if my measurements are perfect, Carlisle said quietly.Be perfect, Doc, Jacob said, making the words almost heavy(p). Rosalie pissed offened.You know Ill do my best, Carlisle assured him.Jacob sighed. Guess thats all I can ask.I felt irritated again, like Jacob was stealing my lines and delivering them all wrong.Renesmee seemed irritated, too. She started to squirm and then reached her hand imperiously toward Rosalie. Rosalie leaned forward so that Renesmee could touch her face. After a second, Rose sighed.What does she want? Jacob demanded, taking my line again.Bella, of course, Rosalie told him, and her words made my insides feel a little warmer. Then she looked at me. How are you?Worried, I admitted, and Edward squeezed me.We all are. But thats not what I meant.Im in control, I promised. Thirstiness was way down the list right now. Besides, Renesmee smelled good in a very non-food way.Jacob bit his lip but made no move to stop Rosalie as she offered Renesmee to me. Jasper and Edward hovered but allowed it. I could see how tense Rose was, and I wondered how the room felt to Jasper right now. Or was he focusing so hard on me that he couldnt feel the others?Renesmee reached for me as I reached for her, a blinding smile lighting her face. She fit so easily in my arms, like theyd been shaped just for her. Immediately, she put her hot little hand against my cheek.Though I was prepared, it still made me gasp to see the memory like a vision in my head. So bright and colorful but al so completely transparent.She was remembering me charging Jacob across the front lawn, remembering Seth restraining between us. Shed seen and heard it all with perfect clarity. It didnt look like me, this graceful predator leaping at her prey like an cursor arcing from a bow. It had to be someone else. That made me feel a very small bit less guilty as Jacob stood there defenselessly with his hands raised in front of him. His hands did not tremble.Edward chuckled, watch Renesmees thoughts with me. And then we both winced as we heard the crack of Seths bones.Renesmee smiled her brilliant smile, and her memory eyes did not leave Jacob through all the following mess. I tasted a new flavor to the memory not exactly protective, more possessive as she watched Jacob. I got the distinct impression that she was glad Seth had put himself in front of my spring. She didnt want Jacob hurt. He was hers.Oh, wonderful,71 groaned. Perfect.Its just because he tastes better than the rest of us, Ed ward assured me, voice stiff with his own annoyance.I told you she likes me, too, Jacob teased from across the room, his eyes on Renesmee. His joking was halfhearted the tense fee of his eyebrows had not relaxed.Renesmee patted my face impatiently, demanding my attention. Another memory Rosalie pulling a brush gently through each of her curls. It felt nice.Carlisle and his tape measure, knowing she had to stretch and be still. It was not interesting to her.It looks like shes going to give you a rundown of everything you missed, Edward commented in my ear.My nose wrinkled as she dumped the next one on me. The smell coming from a strange metal cup hard enough not to be bitten through easily sent a flash burn through my throat. Ouch.And then Renesmee was out of my arms, which were pinned behind my back. I didnt struggle withJasper I just looked at Edwards frightened face.What did I do?Edward looked at Jasper behind me, and then at me again.But she was remembering being thirsty, Edw ard muttered, his forehead pressing into lines. She was remembering the taste of human blood.Jaspers arms pulled mine tighter together. Part of my head noted that this wasnt particularly uncomfortable, let alone painful, as it would have been to a human. It was just annoying. I was sure I could break his hold, but I didnt fight it.Yes, I agreed. And?Edward frowned at me for a second more, and then his expression loosened. He laughed once. And nothing at all, it seems. The overreaction is mine this time. Jazz, let her go.The binding hands disappeared. I reached out for Renesmee as soon as I was free. Edward handed her to me without hesitation.I cant understand, Jasper said. I cant bear this.I watched in surprise as Jasper strode out the back door. Leah moved to give him a wide margin of space as he paced to the river and then launched himself over it in one bound.Renesmee moved(p)(p) my neck, repeating the scene of departure right back, like an instant replay. I could feel the ques tion in her thought, an echo of mine.I was already over the shock of her odd little gift. It seemed an entirely natural part of her, almost to beexpected. maybe now that I was part of the supernatural myself, I would never be a skeptic again.But what was wrong with Jasper?Hell be back, Edward said, whether to me or Renesmee, I wasnt sure. He just require a moment alone to readjust his perspective on life. There was a grin threatening at the corners of his mouth.Another human memory Edward telling me that Jasper would feel better about himself if I had a hard time adjusting to being a vampire. This was in the context of a discussion about how many people I would kill my first newborn year.Is he mad at me? I asked quietly.Edwards eyes widened. No. Why would he be?Whats the matter with him, then?Hes upset with himself, not you, Bella. Hes worrying about self-fulfilling prophecy, I suppose you could say.How so? Carlisle asked before I could.Hes wondering if the newborn madness is rea lly as difficult as weve always thought, or if, with the right focus and attitude, anyone could do as well as Bella. Even now perhaps he only has such difficulty because he believes its natural and unavoidable. Maybe if he expected more of himself, he would rise to those expectations. Youre making him question a lot of constituted assumptions, Bella.But thats unfair, Carlisle said. Everyone is different everyone has their own challenges. Perhaps what Bella is doing goes beyond the natural. Maybe this is her gift, so to speak.I froze with surprise. Renesmee felt the change, and touched me. She remembered the last second of time and wondered why.Thats an interesting theory, and quite plausible, Edward said.For a tiny space, I was disappointed. What? No deceit visions, no formidable offensive abilities like, oh, shooting lightning bolts from my eyes or something? Nothing helpful or composed at all?And then I realized what that might mean, if my superpower was no more than exceptio nal self-control.For one thing, at least I had a gift. It could have been nothing.But, much more than that, if Edward was right, then I could skip right over the part Id feared the very most.What if I didnt have to be a newborn? Not in the crazed killing-machine sense, anyway. What if I could fit right in with the Cullens from my first day? What if we didnt have to hide out somewhere remote for a year while I grew up? What if, like Carlisle, I never killed a single person? What if I could be a good vampire right away?I could see Charlie.I sighed as soon as reality filtered through hope. I couldnt see Charlie right away. The eyes, the voice, the perfected face. What could I possibly say to him how could I even begin? I was furtively glad that I had some excuses for putting things off for a while as much as I wanted to find some way to keep Charlie in my life, I was terrified of that first meeting. Seeing his eyes pop as he took in my new face, my new skin. Knowing that he was frighte ned. Wondering what dark explanation would form in his head.I was chicken enough to wait for a year while my eyes cooled. And here Id thought I would be so fearless when I was indestructible.Have you ever seen an equivalent to self-control as a talent? Edward asked Carlisle. Do you really think thats a gift, or just a product of all her preparation?Carlisle shrugged, its slightly similar to what Siobhan has always been able to do, though she wouldnt call it agift.Siobhan, your friend in that Irish coven? Rosalie asked. 1 wasnt aware that she did anything special. I thoughtit was Maggie who was talented in that bunch.Yes, Siobhan thinks the same. But she has this way of deciding her goals and then almost willing them into reality. She considers it good planning, but Ive always wondered if it was something more. When she included Maggie, for instance. Liam was very territorial, but Siobhan wanted it to work out, and so it did.Edward, Carlisle, and Rosalie settled into chairs as they c ontinued with the discussion. Jacob sat next to Seth protectively, looking bored. From the way his eyelids drooped, I was sure hed be unconscious momentarily.I listened, but my attention was divided. Renesmee was still telling me about her day. I held her by the window wall, my arms rocking her automatically as we stared into each others eyes.I realized that the others had no reason for sitting down. I was perfectly comfortable standing. It was just as restful as stretching out on a bed would be. I knew I would be able to stand like this for a week without moving and I would feel just as relaxed at the end of the seven days as I did at the beginning.They must sit out of habit. Humans would notice someone standing for hours without ever shifting her weight to a different foot. Even now, I saw Rosalie brush her fingers against her hair and Carlisle cross his legs. Little motions to keep from being too still, too much a vampire. I would have to move over attention to what they did and start practicing.I rolled my weight back to my left leg. It felt kind of silly.Maybe they were just trying to give me a little alone time with my baby as alone as was safe.Renesmee told me about every minute happening of the day, and I got the feeling from the tenor of her little stories that she wanted me to know her every bit as much I wanted the same thing. It worried her that I had missed things like the sparrows that had hopped closer and closer when Jacob had held her, both of them very still beside one of the big hemlocks the birds wouldnt come close to Rosalie. Or the outrageously icky white stuff baby formula that Carlisle had put in her cup it smelled like sour dirt. Or the song Edward had crooned to her that was so perfect Renesmee played it for me twice I was surprised that I was in the background of that memory, perfectly motionless but looking fairly beaten-up still. I shuddered, remembering that time from my own perspective. The hideous fireAfter almost an hour the others were still deeply absorbed in their discussion, Seth and Jacob snoring in harmony on the couch Renesmees memory stories began to slow. They got slightly blurry around the edges and drifted out of focus before they came to their conclusions. I was about to interrupt Edward in a panic was there something wrong with her? when her eyelids fluttered and closed. She yawned, her plump pink lips stretching into around O, and her eyes never reopened.Her hand fell away from my face as she drifted to sleep the backs of her eyelids were the pale lavender color of thin clouds before the sunrise. Careful not to disturb her, I lifted that hand back to my skin and held it there curiously. At first there was nothing, and then, after a few minutes, a flickering of color in like a handful of butterflies were scattering from her thoughts.Mesmerized, I watched her dreams. There was no sense to it. Just colours and shapes and faces. I waspleased by how often my face both of my faces, h ideous human and glorious infinite cropped up in her unconscious thoughts. More than Edward or Rosalie. I was neck and neck with Jacob I tried not to let that get to me.For the first time, I understood how Edward had been able to watch me sleep dark after boring night, just to hear me talk in my sleep. I could watch Renesmee dream forever.The change in Edwards tone caught my attention when he said, Finally, and turned to gaze out the window. It was deep, purply night outside, but I could see just as far as before. Nothing was hidden in the darkness everything had just changed colors.Leah, still glowering, got up and slunk into the brush just as Alice came into view on the other side of the river. Alice swung back and forth from a branch like a trapeze artist, toes touching hands, before throwing her body into a graceful flat spin over the river. Esme made a more traditional leap, while Emmett charged right through the water, splashing water so far that splatters hit the back wind ows. To my surprise, Jasper followed after, his own efficient leap seeming understated, even subtle, after the others. kThe huge grin stretching Alices face was familiar in a dim, odd way. Everyone was suddenly smiting at me Esme sweet, Emmett excited, Rosalie a little superior, Carlisle indulgent, and Edward expectant.Alice skipped into the room ahead of everyone else, her hand stretched out in front of her and impatience making a nearly visible aura around her. In her palm was an everyday brass secern with an oversized pink satin bow tied around it.She held the key out for me, and I automatically gripped Renesmee more securely in my right arm so that I could open my left. Alice dropped the key into it.Happy birthday she squealed.I rolled my eyes. No one starts counting on the actual day of birth, I reminded her. Your first birthday is at the year mark, Alice.Her grin turned smug. Were not celebrating your vampire birthday. Yet. Its September thirteenth, Bella. Happy nineteenth b irthday